It’s the most wonderful time of the year! As is true most years, days and weeks are flying by as I attempt with only partial success to do all the things, see all the people, make (or bake) all the special things. I love this season. This year though, I am carrying an unfamiliar, unpleasant, UNWELCOME weight in the depth of my heart. The past several years the holiday season has had some dichotomy of feelings and emotions as our oldest daughter, Tapanga, dealt with painful memories that were all the more painful during the season where the the whole world is bursting with traditions and joy. Two Christmases ago, and last Christmas as well, Tapanga was not living in our home, but was able to spend several days with us over the holidays.
This year, Tapanga is still not living with us but she will also not be home for Christmas. All eight of us are feeling the weight of that reality, and I for one am a bundle of mixed feelings. Stirring my “Olga’s Caramel Corn”, joyously singing Christmas carols (sometimes even on-key) while tears of a deep grief stream down my face. ‘Tis the season! As a parent, we all know our children will one day leave home, and some Christmases they may not be with us during the holidays. But, this is different. Our daughter is sixteen, and while we still have her in our lives, it is in an incredibly different way than I ever expected. We have not lost her, there is still hope for more beautiful Christmases in years to come, but nonetheless I am in a deep grief. Sometimes all it takes is someone acknowledging how heavy this is for the tears to start, and sometimes I am full of joy and peace. Sometimes I’m pretty damn angry, not at Tapanga so much as at a system that failed to help my family in the way it needed, which helped lead to where we are now. When you have a big family, joy can be amplified as you all share it, but unfortunately grief can be as well. My mama heart can see the pain my children are carrying as Christmas approaches, and it is so heavy. Christmas without you.
I am grateful I am able to send Tapanga a care package with some goodies, cards (from other loved ones as well), and that she has been talking to us a lot right now. I think the weight of her decision to move too far away to be with us this Christmas is weighing heavier on her than she expected.
I am grateful. I am hopeful. I am Joyful. But…I am grieving.
…A thrill of hope, a weary world rejoices…
My weary heart rejoices, even while I am grieving.
…Oh, Holy night, the stars are brightly shining…
That is a perfect description of Christmas, the stars brightly shining against the background of darkness, He is the light shining in contrast to the darkness of the world before Christ. In much the same way, though my heavy heart adds something a little uncomfortable (like the blackness of night), I see light and hope for our future, a light that will be all the more beautiful for the darkness we’ve endured.
Maybe that’s just my hope speaking, but without a hope for the future, what do we have?
Christmas without you, but still…a thrill of hope, my weary heart rejoices!
Kyla