“You will make it through this, you will. You’re going to make it through this, but it’s up to you how. You could settle for just surviving, for just making it though, or you could get everything you can from it.” A dear friend.
This past fall we entered a season that was unexpectedly challenging, to say the least. While there was some indication that we would need to invest additional attention and energy into parenting one of our children, we were not prepared for how overwhelming those extra needs would be. Things went from what seemed to us to be pretty normal to very difficult, quite quickly. We had enough awareness of the underlaying struggles to be looking for a counsellor, and thankfully we finally found the right one when we needed her the most. You see, one of our daughter’s had a very traumatic first 2 years of life, and this burden was too much for her to bear alone. She needed our love, grace, and acceptance; but she needed more than just us. Trauma does a number on a person, and so as a family we encountered some challenging behaviours as well as some dark and scary times.
Early on in this leg of our journey I was a big ball of negative emotions.
Fear
Anger
Resentment
Jealousy
Loneliness
Sadness
Well, I was not actually a big ball of emotions, but I was definitely carrying a big ball of emotions. I was struggling so much to find light and hope that too often I was irritable over little things. It was not all bad, but my anxiety level in the early days was quite high and my grace level was quite low. I knew I did not want to go through this challenge that way, but to make it through in a more excellent way I had to first get over the resentment and jealousy that I had to fight this battle. Most importantly I had to conquer the fear.
One of the things I have cherished is the people who have come alongside and said you’re (or even we’re) going to get through this. At the end of the day, we’re the ones in the trenches, but it sure is nice to know others are there fighting for us in big and small ways.
I can still remember a conversation with a friend this fall, while we were still in the early stages of this she came by for coffee and a supportive hug. My friend spoke hope and truth; you’re going to get through this. I knew that was true, but in the face of scary facts, sometimes my heart needed reminding. You’re going to get through this, but it’s up to you how. I think that those who know me well know that I strive for excellence. When my friend reminded me that going through this trial is NOT an option, but how I go through it is, I was strengthened and encouraged. I resolved to milk every moment, the good and the bad. I was going to to do my level-best to learn all I can, to grow as a wife and mother, and to grow in my relationships with God and my family.
I wanted to seek excellence in adversity.
Your toughest moments can be defining moments, but you get to decide what that definition says. Is this unimaginably hard thing you’re going through going to lift you to a level you never realized you had, or is it going to destroy you? At the end of the day, more often that not, it’s really up to you.
You don’t get to decide what storms may come, and you may not have so much as an umbrella, but that does not mean the storm gets to win. I have not been doing a perfect job of weathering this storm; there’s been the odd flood, maybe some possessions lost but my honest reflection and appraisal is I have been doing my best.
I’ve made mistakes; so I have learned from them and tried my best to not make the same ones repeatedly (though sometime I have). I’ve had moments when my relationships felt weaker than ever before, so I dug in and chose connection. I have prayed for the person I feel distant from and myself, God help me to see what I need to do differently. For myself and those around me I have chose forgiveness, grace, and accountability. I have been accountable for my actions and tried to find reasonable ways to hold others accountable to theirs. I could spend hours detailing all I’ve done well, and all I have done poorly but at the end of the day the two things that I think have had the biggest impact on me are my relationship with God, and saying “I’m sorry.”
I have encountered more times than I can count reminders of Christ’s presence in my life, and His growing influence in my own heart. I have been encouraged, uplifted, and even corrected in my daily Bible reading. When I have felt anxious about a situation and have asked Him about it I have had clear direction come into my mind that led to an answer. The answer was not always what I wanted to hear (or see), but it was always something I needed to know.
I have also seen His transformative power in myself and I have been so encouraged. I feel like I am growing, that I am coming to a greater understanding of how He sees us, what He has experienced in His sacrificial love; but most importantly the ones closest to me see growth and transformation. This encourages my heart more than I can express.
Lately my kiddo who experienced trauma has said things that have melted my heart:
-Mom, you have so much grace for me, like SO much.
-I feel like our relationship is stronger now than it was before this, like it was good before but now…now it’s like amazing.
God is so good. We have been working through this stuff for about eight months now and about a month or two in, when we were still in the midst of the worst of it, God gave me a revelation. I was so angry with Him for not just fixing the brokenness in her. He can divinely heal, but here we were struggling through a mess neither of us created. Seriously God!?
Then one night while my girl and I were cleaning her room, and it was pretty bad, I came to an understanding. If I had just walked in and cleaned up the mess she would not have learned and grown, and she would not have a sense of accomplishment. There was enough of a mess that she might have been ashamed by the mess uncovered, and that someone else had fixed it. If I had left her all alone, she would have been overwhelmed. She would have made some progress, but then some distraction would have come and it would be as bad (or worse) in no time. But when I partnered with her I was able to help her work through the problem. She learned, she encountered shame and overcame it, and she accomplished something that without help would have been nearly impossible. At that moment I realized what God is doing when He chooses to not step in and take over. He is allowing us to partner with Him; to learn, to grow, to get stronger. As He partners with us, our relationship with Him gets stronger as well. If we try to do without help things that need help we miss out on those relationship building opportunities.
So it has been with my girl and I. We’ve partnered together and as a result we have both grown stronger, and so has our relationship. I felt it, and it so encouraged my heart to know she feels it too.
I did not love the challenge that I didn’t ask for, but I sure love the fruit. Not one of us asks for those really hard things, but it’s up to us what we do with them. There is a place for all those negative emotions while we go through the hard battle, but their place is not the driver’s seat.
To have excellence in adversity we need to acknowledge and appropriately deal with our emotions and then (when we are able) we need to choose hope, joy, love, compassion, empathy, forgiveness…
Whether you have faith or not, you can choose a more excellent way when trials come. Part of that more excellent way is having a support system. With or without faith I would be lost without my people. I am blessed to have so many people who listen to me vent, lift me up, and speak light into dark places. These people even give me a much-needed break at times by taking my kids for a few hours (or days) and showing them love while I take a moment to breathe.
If you’re in a dark time, make sure you have flashlight-toting, hug giving, caring and supportive people around you. Don’t try to bear the burden alone, some things are simply too big for one person.
I have seen so many examples of excellence in adversity from people I know and love that it astounds me. You may not know one other person going through what you’re going through, but you’re not alone, and you’re not unseen. Keep living your own version of excellence in adversity. Let us not grow weary of doing good, for at a proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up (Galatians 6:9 NIV).
Kyla