What if your destiny is calling you, but you’re too scared to say “YES”
Have you ever wished you could know what the future would bring? In theory, what a blessing it would be to know the struggles that are coming your way so you could better prepare for them, or avoid them completely. In challenging and dark days knowing you will have a victory could provide the reassurance and strength to continue on. It would seem a wonderful blessing to be able to clearly know our future, wouldn’t it?
I believe foreknowing would be a curse.
What if you could look ahead in your life and see the great struggles that lay ahead, could see yourself in tears and deep despair. What if your quick glimpse showed moments of hopelessness, moments where your chosen path included dark days?
What if, despite the good things you saw, the bad scared you and you decided to shift gears, alter your course; to take an altogether different path?
What if what you saw scared you away from your destiny, from your call?
When I was a young, naive woman my then-fiancé (now husband) and I began the process of adoption out of the pure motive of love. We were warned that our girl had attachment disorder, and we were warned about the chaos and heartache her wounds could bring.
I didn’t believe in God, but I believed in what I saw before me in that little girl. We both did. We saw a lost little girl who just needed to be loved and accepted. We had witnessed her growth and change, and we saw hope.
We were naive enough to believe that ALL she needed was love, acceptance, and a permanent home. I thank God for our innocence of what the future would bring. I thank God that while I did not hope in Him, I did hope. Had we known, at that young age, with our lack of life and parenting experience the struggles that would come…I hate to think what we would have done. We were strong, but would we have been brave enough?
Would we have still said “yes?” Would we have said “yes” to both girls? Thank God we will never know, because had we said anything other than “yes” we would have been walking out of a vital part of our destiny, and theirs. To be brutally honest some days being an adoptive parent is harder than I can express. We have encountered things we never imagined we would face. A dear friend of mine has a pillow that says “always leave a little room in your heart for the unimaginable” and that is a truth that resonates deeply in me.
Being an adoptive parent, it’s a hard gig. All parenting has challenges, but there are some very unique struggles that you may face when you choose to love a child someone else was unable to raise. Rejection can be a struggle even for kids adopted at birth, and for kids who have lived through trauma, there is a laundry-list of things you may face. To be really real here, you will almost certainly face some extra struggles if you choose the path of adoption (or if it chooses you), but in the struggle something amazing will be happening. You will be changing the life of a child. I know that sounds cliche, but truly YOU could be their answered prayer. While they are being shaped and moulded, while they are learning to attach, to trust again, to hope…you will be changing too.
I have come to realize that although I do have pretty BIG emotions at the best of times, the struggles of my recent days have shown me a whole new depth in my emotions. Never in my life have I felt such deep pain, sadness, and anger; but never in my life have I felt such an elevated sense of peace, love, joy, and hope.
Hope. Joy. Peace. Love. Those words have been bouncing through my mind with scriptural references so frequently it is astounding. Peace is a word I desire so greatly for my home and family that it rarely leaves my mind. In the midst of a storm I am not always at peace, but my heart desires it so much that I choose to focus on it; to look for it. When the heavy emotions creep in and I am not sure what to do with them, Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28 NIV) floods my mind. When I turn to God, when I praise and thank Him for who He is and what He’s done, peace.
When the days were harder, when hope seemed to be running from me, I had no choice but to put my hope in Jesus. I could have chose otherwise I suppose, but I would not have made it through as well as I did. There are circumstances we all face where the way out is shrouded in darkness, where hopelessness would continually try and be our companion. I have had those days, but I am no longer in those days. Thank God, I see hope not only in Him, but in the situations we are growing through.
What would a younger me have thought, had she gotten a snap-shot view of the years between then and now? Current day Kyla would see, our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us (Romans 8:18 NIV). If offered a glimpse of what we have journeyed through I would choose to see all the beautiful moments, and would undoubtedly stay the course. A less mature me was a less hopeful me, but a no-less loving me. I really believe that we would have stayed on this path — if I had been fearful Dylan’s bravery and optimism would have encouraged me and I believe we would still have said “yes.”
However, the point I am trying to make is not truly about whether or not I would have done things differently had I only known. At the heart of this my point is really about how fear and struggle can hold us back from our destiny. In my life I have made both good and bad choices, and both have shaped the person I am today. In all honesty if I could change certain things, it would be tempting; but I think I would choose to leave a lot unchanged.
I know one thing is certain, I am glad I did not know ALL that adoption can involve because had future events scared me away, it would have been the biggest mistake of my life. I do not love the hard times, and I find no joy in seeing past pain effect my child today. What I do find immeasurable joy in is the divine privilege of being trusted to walk through this journey with her, to help her find redemption.
I love all of my children equally, and I am excited to see who each of them will become, but my heart leaps knowing that we are helping our daughters re-write a story that could have had a very different outcome without Dylan and I in it. What a privilege it is to be trusted by God to love this way.
We were not wise enough, strong enough, gentle enough, accepting enough, faith-filled enough, or even brave enough to adopt. We are becoming all of those things and more, because we said “yes” to the plans of a God we did not know.
Kyla
If your dream doesn’t scare you, it is not big enough.
Lynn walker says
Beautifully written Kayla…what an inspiration of love you are. God knew what to give you…Thank you that you anc Dylan said yes…and the love and life you both have given those girls. Thanks for sharing from the heart.
Kyla says
Thank you Lynn for your kind response 💗
Debbie Little says
I love your writings Kyla. Both my children were adopted and yes it has been a journey but as they have grown so have I. I’m also glad I can’t see where this journey called life is taking me…im sure I would have run screaming the other way. I look back at my life and marvel how a small change here or there would have changed my paths. I would have missed sorrow and heartache but I would have missed so much joy and happiness
Kyla says
Wow! That is awesome Debbie, I love having a shared understanding with people! ❤️ It is amazing how much little things can become the big things, and vice versa. Thank you for the kind comments and sharing your experience