Quite the year.
As the holidays approached and I contemplated the upcoming New Year, my thoughts fluctuated between a negative view of the past year, and an incredibly thankful view. The past year has been filled with so many events, both joyous and challenging, that it is not surprising my feelings about this year flip-flopped. Though we have had a couple of “tough” years this past decade, I know 2019 will stand out in my mind much like 2009 does, as a year that feels as though more than 1 year’s worth of life was crammed in to those 365 days.
In January my cousin lost her short but hard-fought battle with cancer, February brought the birth of our 6th child and our 10th wedding anniversary, and February through April brought a whirlwind of struggle that could have led to the loss of one of our children. For a portion of the year it felt as though we did loose our girl as the clouds of a mental health struggle concealed much of her beautiful spirit from us. We believed we would get her back, but we did not know when or how–desperate times called for desperate measures, and we made parenting choices that we never expected to make. We have had so much added on to our plates as we journeyed through these challenges, so it seems a little crazy that we also started a business this summer. Six kids (and all that goes with that), loads of extra appointments, courses, and a new business…it has been quite a memorable and FULL year to say the least.
I am not one who typically thinks “New Year new____,” but I found myself reflecting too negatively on this past year. “Good riddance!” would try to enter my mind, and I would try to refocus and remember that this year has been filled with ample joy. I did not fully realize how much my heart was crying out for 2019 to end until the Sunday before New Year’s. One of the worship leaders pointed out how we can over-emphasize the changing of the year, acting as though we (or life) was so awful in 2019, and how much better we will be in 2020. We can become trapped in the idea that a changing calendar page makes all the difference, and essentially we can make the new year a false idol in our life. “Well…I don’t think I’ve quite done that…” I thought. But, his exhortation inspired me to reflect more seriously on 2019; on my view of it, my family, and myself. A little soul-searching is sometimes just what we need, and I found I was not giving 2019 the grace it deserved. Don’t get me wrong, it was a HARD year, and there were things about it I wish I could change. But, while I was imperfect in it, and I did not enjoy the events that still bring tears to my eyes, I honestly can say I am already seeing the fruit of the toil. I do not need to hollowly thank God, “faking it till I make it,” I am genuinely thankful.
I am so thankful for His presence and protection of my family this past year. I am thankful for the growth I have experienced during the fires of tremendous adversity. I am thankful for the growth and resilience of my children, my husband, and my marriage. I am thankful for my support systems, and the growth the members of them have shown in the midst of our trials. I am thankful for divine appointments and timing, for pieces falling into place in ways I could not have orchestrated; brining about a quickening of progress. I am thankful that He has worked so much to our good, that things meant to destroy are already being used for good.
Though we have certainly been imperfect, we have been led through God’s grace onto the right paths. The right path is so often the difficult one, the one not everyone is willing to take (see Matthew 7:13). Despite the challenges, following His leading, has bore fruit. In so many ways He has strengthened and encouraged us; He has placed people in our path that have been anchors in our storm. God really has been working all things to our good.
Being human, my mind had been trying to focus on the heartbreaking struggles our family faced first, tacking the joyful moments on as an addendum. But if there is one thing a New Year offers, it is the opportunity for a new view. So, with great sincerity, I can say so long 2019; and welcome 2020! I am beyond grateful for another year in my crazy amazing (though occasionally crazy hard) life!