What you need to know about being in a relationship with my child who has experienced trauma.
There are a number of schools of thought on parenting children born into your family, children for whom you have been the only parental figures from birth on. Some parenting theories and tools are better than others, but the vast majority of popular parenting techniques focus on developing healthy attachment (showing love and being nurturing), and developing healthy boundaries (including discipline). Depending on the school of thought, some parents may focus more on one area than the other, and the way attachment and boundaries are established can vary greatly, but these two concepts are often key.
So, what happens when normal parenting is completely derailed? What happens when normal healthy attachment is not formed, or when boundaries are obscure or non-existent? What happens when children with inadequate nurturing and guidance encounter trauma? Childhood trauma, particularly in the first 5 years of life, can have a devastating effect on a child’s ability to form safe and healthy attachments, and can lead to a myriad of challenging behaviours. A child who has experienced trauma can be completely typical in a number of ways, but when facing stress the child may behave in ways that are very difficult. Since both typical and atypical behaviours can exist in the same child, parenting a child who has experienced childhood trauma presents unique parenting challenges.
A child who has not been sufficiently nurtured may develop reactive attachment disorder (RAD), which is a condition where the child does not form healthy attachments to caregivers. This can present as a child who completely rejects everyone, or a child who rejects those closest but will form superficial attachments to nearly anyone. The RAD child desperately needs the healthy attachment to their primary caregivers, but may behave in ways that challenge that attachment. RAD kids often reject their parents. Over and over and over again in any number of ways. As the parents continually show that they will not reject the child, reasserting their love and attachment to the child even when correcting the problematic behaviour, RAD’s grip on the child can loosen. Tremendous healing and growth can occur, but it does not occur overnight. It is heartbreaking, time consuming, and often thankless to help a child overcome RAD, and even when there is growth, setbacks can occur because RAD is a relentless beast. If healthy attachment is from God (which I believe it is), then RAD is straight from the devil.
The traumatic experiences are a challenge in and of themselves. These events can be seared in the brain of the child and buried for years, rearing their ugly head and wreaking havoc on the child (and consequently the family) when the resurface. Traumatic memories can contribute to the resurgence of RAD behaviours, and facing the memories requires the assistance of a highly trained and experienced counsellor for the greatest success. Facing traumatic memories also effects the emotions of the child and those supporting them. Whether the child shares the memory with the parents or not, the behaviours that surface when a child is in pain will affect the parent a great deal. Anger, sadness, and fear will try and dominate the emotional forecast; there will in fact be times when peace and joy will only come because those involved CHOOSE peace and joy.
My personal experience has been that without crying out to God and being humble enough to ask him for help, asking him to help me choose joy and welcome peace, I would not be where I am in this journey. I also would not be where I am, we would not be where we are, without the loving support of those closest to us.
The people in close relationship to us have been available as listening ears, open arms, extra childcare help and so much more. Our parents and closest friends have been learning what helps us the most, and have been receptive to learning along with us, and even helping guide us. However, there is also a larger circle of people who realize we are in the middle of something and want to help, but they may not know what we really need while facing trauma and RAD. So, here is a little list of what matters the most to us in supporting our journey. If you feel you have tried to help us and that your actions were a bit of a “what not to do” on the below list, please do not feel judged or that I have written this to passive-aggressively call you out on it in public. Not at all! I know that anyone who has helped or offered help in any way had the best of intentions. It’s just not always easy to know what someone needs when you haven’t walked in their shoes. It’s also easy to know what someone needs when they have not sat down and really thought about their areas of greatest need! Also please note that this list is what I feel would help my child, myself, my spouse, and my family; this is not necessarily a one-size-fits all.
Love and Trauma: The What to Do (and not to do)
#1 LOVE MY CHILD In my books this one is a BIG one for any kid who has encountered trauma, rejection, and/or RAD. Yes, I need you to love and accept my child even when they are unlovable. If you are close to us, in our most immediate circle of loved ones, unconditional love is a non-negotiable. For those in the extended circle, please accept my child even if a behaviour is unacceptable. If my child has hurt you or you are feeling angry with them as a result of their challenging behaviours and those feelings may sneak out, please allow yourself the space to forgive before you spend time with them. It is okay if you are upset with their actions, but please be careful how you communicate those feelings. Love and acceptance is the very antidote for a child who has been rejected, especially when they seem to be rejecting those closest.
#2 Set behavioural boundaries. When I say accept my child I am not saying accept unacceptable behaviours. Please do hold my child accountable if there is an unacceptable behaviour in your home, classroom, store…wherever. While a child who has experienced trauma may have difficulty making the right choices at times it is still important to set boundaries and have reasonable behavioural expectations. Boundaries equal safety.
#3 Communicate with myself or my husband when you see behaviours that concern you. If you’re in my village and you notice a new pattern of out of character behaviour that concerns you, please talk to me about it! We may already be aware of it and dealing with it, but if we’re not that heads up could help us so much.
#4 Do communicate concerns, DO NOT nitpick. Please. We are dealing with real issues. Significant challenges are being faced and overcome on the daily. If you’ve noticed a consistent shift in my kiddo’s deamaonr, that’s important. If one time they were not as warm and engaging, but they have otherwise seemed totally fine, that’s not significant information. Please do not overwhelm us with a list of individual “offences,” unless of course said offence is pretty major.
#5 Love us and our other children as well as you can. While the child with trauma in their past is the one in the most pain, they don’t exist in a vacuum. We’re a family, and when one of us is hurting we’re all hurting. If you’re able and we ask for it, be available as a shoulder or an ear. Check in on us and see how we’re doing.
#6 Shift our focus. Facing trauma can easily become an all-consuming thing that occupies many of our thoughts and conversations. Get us out of our own heads and problems by sharing what you’re going through, or hanging out and doing something fun. Talk with us about frivolous things or something you’re looking forward to. We need this more than you know!
#7 Let us lead when it comes to conversations about what we’re facing. We may need to share, or we may need to think about something else. It is okay to ask us how we’re doing, but please do not try and draw out information. We decide what we share because we want to honour our child’s right to not have every detail of our lives shared with all our acquaintances.
#8 Talk to our kids (all of them) about anything but trauma stuff. Please. Ask about school or sports or hobbies or just about anything else. We communicate with them about the trauma stuff more than enough, and we have counsellors to help guide our children through the parts we are under qualified to handle. We have been trained to some extent on trauma and RAD, and we have been learning a great deal ourselves from the counsellors. Trauma conversations from untrained people are a no-fly zone unless we have given you clearance to fly.
#9 If any of the kids starts to share something about our journey, be compassionate and empathetic, but don’t pry. When they have finished talking check in and ask if they have talked to mom and dad about how they’re feeling, or let us know yourself what they have shared. We are doing our best to track how each of our kids is handling this, but it’s always possible that they have not let us in on some of their fears or pains.
#10 Do not assume what goes on in our house. Facing trauma can cause erratic behaviours, and watching a sibling struggle through facing trauma can cause erratic behaviours in the witnessing sibling too. Do not assume that “bad”behaviours equal “bad” parenting, or a “bad” child. We have made mistakes as all parents have, but what you may witness is not the product of our mistakes or simply a willful child. Typical parenting and childhood mistakes have been made in our home, but any “big stuff” you s=may see is the product of trauma. Dylan wrote a poem, “Please don’t judge our family,” that really clearly sums this up.
Please Don’t Judge My Family
Please don’t judge my family
by what you see through a window
you are not in my house,
you don’t know what we have been through.
Please don’t judge my family
by what you hear through gossiping lips
you don’t know our story
or what rumours are costing our kids.
Please don’t judge my family
our doors are always open
you are welcome to come in
and see how we’re coping.
Please don’t judge my family
another journey is about to start.
Please don’t judge my family
when you don’t know our heart.
Dylan George
As much as the 10 points on “how to love us well” may seem to have contradictory points, the main point is this: accept us, communicate with us (the parents), and let us lead when it comes to conversations about parenting our children. Parenting is hard, but parenting a child with a traumatic past has extra levels of challenge, it’s normal parenting and special parenting all at the same time. At times feels like we are parenting 2 different children in the same body, and in a way we are; the child who survived trauma, and the child they were meant to be and are becoming.
Thank you to all those who are part of our close village, those learning your way through this along with us and supporting us the best you can. I see the support we have received a little like this: In Exodus 17 Israel is battling the Amalekites and when Moses’ arms are up praising God, Israel is winning, but when his arms drop, the Amalekites are winning. So, Aaron and Hur sat beside him and helped hold his arms up so he could help Israel win the war. Thank you to all of you who have been like Aaron and Hur, encouraging and strengthening us in this battle. To those in the extended village, thank you too. It takes a whole village, and we’re grateful for every piece of support and every word of encouragement.
Fianlly, thank you for the prayers and positive thoughts, they mean enough to us that their importance should have been demonstrated by their own point on the list. Knowing we are in your thoughts and prayers lifts our spirits, and we do believe those thoughts and prayers make a difference. Thank you.
Kyla
Cindy says
Beautiful Kyla ❤
Kyla says
Thank you Cindy