Today is Monday, back to school, back to work for Dylan, back to routine, and the potential for back to a bad attitude. As I surveyed my kitchen this morning, seeing the little bits of tidying leftover from a day spent enjoying some messy fun with my family, I found myself reflecting on mindset, in particular my own. In past years my expectation of Mother’s Day would range from a near martyr-like attitude of “don’t do anything, it’s fine!”, to completely unrealistic dreams of being fully spoiled, to being stressed and strained about whether or not my mom and mom-in-law were going to have a good enough day. Sometimes all those feelings in the same year, how was my family to know what to do for me? I ruined more Mother’s Day’s with my own uncertain desires, unneeded stress, or unrealistic standards than any tantruming tot or less-than-thoughtful spouse could ever hope to wreck!
Then, one year I had a truly heartbreaking Mother’s Day. After about a year and a half of trying to manage Tapanga’s mental health struggles, things fully fell apart, and she entered the care of Children’s Services. That transition happened mid-April, and when Mother’s Day rolled around that year I had one fewer child to meet me with love and hugs. I was served breakfast in bed to spoil me, but had one less kid to cuddle up and be there with me. Our relationship with Tapanga was also very strained at that time, and we were all still recovering from all the traumatic ups and downs that we all traversed as she navigated her newly turbulent emotional landscape. That Mother’s Day I did get to spend the afternoon with Tapanga and my whole family. That Mother’s Day likely marked a turning point, a transition into making the best of an unexpected reality, of being joyful for what is rather than being heartbroken about what isn’t. To be honest, I had been learning that skill for quite some time, but in terms of Mother’s Days, that one was truly memorable. My emotions were very raw, bubbling just below the surface. Things were NOT how I wanted them to be, but I really dug into enjoying the good in the midst of the hard.
So, as I reflect back on this most recent Mother’s Day, in reality it was very “imperfect.” It wasn’t bouquets of flowers, or being waited on hand and foot. There was no traditional trip to the greenhouse, no super special desserts. This Mother’s Day wasn’t any of those things, but it was time spent together, with loads of my family, having messy fun. Sharing food. Watching the hockey game with my mom. “Just” normal stuff. Sometimes normal stuff is the absolute best stuff. Sometimes imperfect is absolutely perfect. My family doesn’t always show the appreciation I may hope for, but in reality is that why I do what I do, for accolades? Or do I serve because I love, and service is a natural outflow of my love? Do I do my best so i can be congratulated and celebrated, or because I truly enjoy the satisfaction of a job well done?
Don’t get me wrong, it feels pretty darn good to be appreciated, but appreciation isn’t always Hallmark. More often it’s your kids insisting on an extra hug (or six) at bedtime. It’s your husband making your coffee in the morning just the way you want it, which isn’t always the same from day to day! It’s your kids loving each other well by helping each other out, and genuinely enjoying each other’s company. It’s your kids learning from their mistakes and messes, and having a boatload of grace as you do the same. A lot of those things don’t sound like appreciation, but to me they sure are!
When my kids want those extra hugs, I know how much they love me. When my husband asks how I’d like my coffee today it’s not because he doesn’t know, but because he knows me well enough to know maybe I want it black, or maybe I want cream; and he wants to get it just right. When my kids love each other well, I know we modelled love well, and that they’ve been paying attention to what we do. When my kids learn out loud and take responsibility for their mistakes, and when they have grace for me, I truly believe it is because we have modelled those traits. I’m not sure there is any greater gift than a deeply connected family whose members are leaning into who they were created to be, while being gracious and kind as everyone else does the same.
A couple of leftover dishes and some cookies to put away only say “they don’t appreciate you” if you let them say it. So, look for the reasons to smile and shrug off the reasons to frown as often as possible, and I promise your special (and ordinary) days will be all the more fulfilling.
Happy Monday after Mother’s Day!